Peeling Off The Veneer
I've had a lot on my mind lately, but no desire to express it in any form. Thinking about my life and where I am now usually means a sleepless night. I've touched on some of this in the past so I apologize if I end up repeating myself.
From the outside I look like a pretty successful young man. I've got a University degree. I'm working at a good paying job with evenings and weekends free. I am debt free and by living at home I've been able to save up a tidy sum of money. That money I'm hoping to spend on my first house. Basically I'm not left wanting for material possessions. So far so good, judging by the world's standards.
Even by the standards of the Christian community I'm doing "well". I go to church on Sunday morning and evening. I support my church financially through tithing. Once a month I lead worship for the Sunday night service. I help out with the youth group at church and I've been trying to put together a youth worship band. Sunday night after church I attend the guy's college and career group.
The thing is, when I'm alone in the dark, none of those things matter. I still struggle with depression and feel pretty empty inside. I'd go so far to say I feel pretty miserable most days. I just feel like Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable - I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing. Because of this I don't feel like a man. I'm just a scared little boy posing as an adult. I constantly doubt whether I have what it takes to make it in this world. So I turn to things to take my mind off my pain. Movies, computer games... pornography. The porn being the worst choice because it just causes more pain and degrades the strength God has given me as a man. Oh the vicious cycles we entangle ourselves in.
The last person I want to turn to is God because that just reminds me how much of a failure to Him I've been. I feel like I'm just a worm posing as a Christian. Even the religion I practice is a poor substitute for the relationship with Him I'm supposed to be pursuing. It's so easy to fool myself into thinking I'm a good Christian by doing all the things I mentioned above. But those things amount to nothing outside of Christ. I need to pour myself into Him, not other people or things.
I just wish I knew what I was meant to be doing. I'm sure if I was diligent in my relationship with God I'd be more at peace. You'd think that would convince me to get my butt in gear. Maybe if I knew where I was meant to be it would help. There's just not much left for me here in Sudbury, but change is scary. After flunking out of Aerospace, the easy and safe choice was to come home and take Computer Science. It's easy for me to say I didn't actually make that choice since my dad came "took me away" from Ottawa. But I could have stood up to him. I could have tried using some of the strength that God gave me. Working in the CompSci field is the safe choice financially. Living with my parents may be annoying as hell most days, but it's safe as well. Ever since Ottawa I've been living a safe life... and what has that gotten me? Depression. Ulcerative Colitis.
I need to find a way to test my mettle, to discover that I am a man and I have what it takes to survive. I also need to be sure to include God in all this cause I can't make these changes alone.
Matthew.
From the outside I look like a pretty successful young man. I've got a University degree. I'm working at a good paying job with evenings and weekends free. I am debt free and by living at home I've been able to save up a tidy sum of money. That money I'm hoping to spend on my first house. Basically I'm not left wanting for material possessions. So far so good, judging by the world's standards.
Even by the standards of the Christian community I'm doing "well". I go to church on Sunday morning and evening. I support my church financially through tithing. Once a month I lead worship for the Sunday night service. I help out with the youth group at church and I've been trying to put together a youth worship band. Sunday night after church I attend the guy's college and career group.
The thing is, when I'm alone in the dark, none of those things matter. I still struggle with depression and feel pretty empty inside. I'd go so far to say I feel pretty miserable most days. I just feel like Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable - I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing. Because of this I don't feel like a man. I'm just a scared little boy posing as an adult. I constantly doubt whether I have what it takes to make it in this world. So I turn to things to take my mind off my pain. Movies, computer games... pornography. The porn being the worst choice because it just causes more pain and degrades the strength God has given me as a man. Oh the vicious cycles we entangle ourselves in.
The last person I want to turn to is God because that just reminds me how much of a failure to Him I've been. I feel like I'm just a worm posing as a Christian. Even the religion I practice is a poor substitute for the relationship with Him I'm supposed to be pursuing. It's so easy to fool myself into thinking I'm a good Christian by doing all the things I mentioned above. But those things amount to nothing outside of Christ. I need to pour myself into Him, not other people or things.
I just wish I knew what I was meant to be doing. I'm sure if I was diligent in my relationship with God I'd be more at peace. You'd think that would convince me to get my butt in gear. Maybe if I knew where I was meant to be it would help. There's just not much left for me here in Sudbury, but change is scary. After flunking out of Aerospace, the easy and safe choice was to come home and take Computer Science. It's easy for me to say I didn't actually make that choice since my dad came "took me away" from Ottawa. But I could have stood up to him. I could have tried using some of the strength that God gave me. Working in the CompSci field is the safe choice financially. Living with my parents may be annoying as hell most days, but it's safe as well. Ever since Ottawa I've been living a safe life... and what has that gotten me? Depression. Ulcerative Colitis.
I need to find a way to test my mettle, to discover that I am a man and I have what it takes to survive. I also need to be sure to include God in all this cause I can't make these changes alone.
Matthew.
1 Comments:
Matthew, you're not alone. There are many young people our age who are struggling with things of the same nature as you. Be thankful that you're debt-free...that's one less thing to worry about.
Have you thought of doing missionary work abroad? I have a friend who went to Haiti and came back a changed person. It gave him the drive and desire to go out on his own, throw (some) caution to the wind and get himself on the right track.
I have another friend who is pursuing biblical studies. Perhaps that is something you might think about choosing to do.
There's only one person who can make you do the things you feel you should do, and that's YOU. I've spent the last 5 years of my life waiting for stuff to fall into my lap, and I've finally realized that I have to go out there and get what I can, by myself. I have current committments that will keep me tied up until September, but after that, I'll be setting out on a long journey into self-discovery, as well as personal and professional change.
Don't worry, Matthew...things will turn around for you in due time. You may have to look at the past and revisit some things and people...because those things and those people may be able to bring you happiness...even if you didn't think they would at a previous point in time.
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