Reflections On My Past
When I started my post-seconday education I went into Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering. One of my dreams growing up was to design air craft and space craft. In high school I was strong in maths and sciences so Engineering seemed the right career. Well I ended up bombing my second year: I failed five of the nine courses I took. I was placed on probation for third year and didn't end up clearing probation. I doubled my GPA that year but I was only allowed to fail one coure - I failed two. So I was "asked to leave" the program.
I spent that summer doing a lot of soul searching. I had never failed anything "important" in my life before and thought I didn't realize it at the time my failure had a lot to do with my "undiagnosed" depression. I spent my first year here in my home town and spent years two and three in Ottawa. Unable to find a job my dad called me up and said, "Get packed - I'm coming to get you. You're coming back to Sudbury." I loved living in Ottawa. I loved the independence. The beauty of the city. My friends at school, church, and the IVCF group. Everything pointed to the fact that Ottawa was where I was meant to be... except school. So being taken away from there and ending up back with my parents was one of the lowest points in my life. After breaking down weeping in front of my parents while driving back from a trip to Toronto I couldn't hide my depression from them. My dad was laying down his expectations of me after flunking out, about how much he expected me to work and not have a social life, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Computer Science seemed the logical choice for me because I've always been good with computers and all my real jobs up to that point involved them. Plus, going back to the same school as my first year of Engineering I was able to use some of those credits towards my degree. I didn't enjoy CompSci any more than Engineering and I still failed some courses, but three and a half years later I was finally done. I had the coveted piece of paper. But not even finishing school was the answer to my depression. I was finally "free" after six and a half years of university, but now I had to deal with the real world. I had to be an adult. I had to make money so I could pay off the debt I accumulated while being in Ottawa. And that was part of my reasoning for chosing CompSci - it was pretty much a sure way to make some good money.
And money isn't something I have to worry much about right now. By the end of March I will have my school loans paid off in just over a year after finishing school. But again, having money to pay off my loans and buy the things I wanted didn't solve my depression. Having a girlfriend for a year, someone we all thought I was going to marry, didn't solve my depression either. There are all these "things" that I keep putting my hope in, the hope that they will solve all my problems. And right now I'm hoping that finding a wife and having a family will solve all my problems. I know in my heart that that hope if false because having a significant other just makes life more complicated and creates a whole new set of problems.
So in a lot of ways I'm still in the same place I always have been, looking for substitutes for God's love. There's a God-shaped hole that I keep trying to fill with other things - work, money, games, women. But like those kids toys you just can't get the square peg into the round hole. I've even tried shaving off the edges so the square peg will go in, but it's not a perfect fit.
This all came about from a small group Bible study we have after our services Sunday evenings. Just got me thinking about the past again and how I need to be free of it. The song that comes to mind is Third Day's "My Hope Is You". It's based on one of King David's Psalms and speaks to where I need to be and the longing in my heart.
Matthew.
My Hope Is You
Lyrics by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me
My hope is you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth
In all my days
My hope is you
I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out...
From the recording: Conspiracy No. 5, Track #7.
©1997 New Spring Publishing (a div of Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.) / Vandura 2500 Songs / gray dot songs, a div. of gray dot, inc. / ASCAP
All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
I spent that summer doing a lot of soul searching. I had never failed anything "important" in my life before and thought I didn't realize it at the time my failure had a lot to do with my "undiagnosed" depression. I spent my first year here in my home town and spent years two and three in Ottawa. Unable to find a job my dad called me up and said, "Get packed - I'm coming to get you. You're coming back to Sudbury." I loved living in Ottawa. I loved the independence. The beauty of the city. My friends at school, church, and the IVCF group. Everything pointed to the fact that Ottawa was where I was meant to be... except school. So being taken away from there and ending up back with my parents was one of the lowest points in my life. After breaking down weeping in front of my parents while driving back from a trip to Toronto I couldn't hide my depression from them. My dad was laying down his expectations of me after flunking out, about how much he expected me to work and not have a social life, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Computer Science seemed the logical choice for me because I've always been good with computers and all my real jobs up to that point involved them. Plus, going back to the same school as my first year of Engineering I was able to use some of those credits towards my degree. I didn't enjoy CompSci any more than Engineering and I still failed some courses, but three and a half years later I was finally done. I had the coveted piece of paper. But not even finishing school was the answer to my depression. I was finally "free" after six and a half years of university, but now I had to deal with the real world. I had to be an adult. I had to make money so I could pay off the debt I accumulated while being in Ottawa. And that was part of my reasoning for chosing CompSci - it was pretty much a sure way to make some good money.
And money isn't something I have to worry much about right now. By the end of March I will have my school loans paid off in just over a year after finishing school. But again, having money to pay off my loans and buy the things I wanted didn't solve my depression. Having a girlfriend for a year, someone we all thought I was going to marry, didn't solve my depression either. There are all these "things" that I keep putting my hope in, the hope that they will solve all my problems. And right now I'm hoping that finding a wife and having a family will solve all my problems. I know in my heart that that hope if false because having a significant other just makes life more complicated and creates a whole new set of problems.
So in a lot of ways I'm still in the same place I always have been, looking for substitutes for God's love. There's a God-shaped hole that I keep trying to fill with other things - work, money, games, women. But like those kids toys you just can't get the square peg into the round hole. I've even tried shaving off the edges so the square peg will go in, but it's not a perfect fit.
This all came about from a small group Bible study we have after our services Sunday evenings. Just got me thinking about the past again and how I need to be free of it. The song that comes to mind is Third Day's "My Hope Is You". It's based on one of King David's Psalms and speaks to where I need to be and the longing in my heart.
Matthew.
My Hope Is You
Lyrics by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me
My hope is you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth
In all my days
My hope is you
I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out...
From the recording: Conspiracy No. 5, Track #7.
©1997 New Spring Publishing (a div of Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.) / Vandura 2500 Songs / gray dot songs, a div. of gray dot, inc. / ASCAP
All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
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