Why Can't I Be Content?

The whole thing with Tara this weekend sure brought to my attention how much I'm actively hunting for a girlfriend. There are a few women that I see on a somewhat regular basis that I've had thoughts of asking out. One is a cashier at Blockbuster and the other a girl who lives on my street. The girl on my street I've never even talked to. Generally I just see her walk by the house while I'm eating dinner or something. The girl at Blockbuster, Steph, I see almost every week when I'm in there. I try and chat with her if she ends up putting my rental through, but I usually get chicken and just stick with non-committal small talk. When she asks if I found everything I was looking for I can't work up the courage to say "Um, how about a date with you?"

Some days I just feel like a predator when I'm out in public cause I'm always on the look out for an attractive woman. In my mind I like to think I'm people watching, but I'm not - I'm woman watching. It's especially hard now that it's summer and there's so much skin to look at just by walking around at lunch or taking the bus. I can't even control my eyes if I'm already in the company of a beautiful woman. I'm sure Jenita noticed my shifty eyes while we were dating. One of the reasons we broke up was a flirting problem - I gave some of my female friends more attention than I gave Jenita.

More often than not I wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone. Will she be able to tolerate me as I struggle through being a guy? It scares me how easily I'll be able to hurt her just by doing a double-take as another woman passes by. It would be so easy to be like the rest of the world and take "boys will be boys" as my mantra, but I know already know where that thinking leads. I've already lost one serious relationship because of it. I just don't understand how society can see sex/sexuality without rules as harmless.

Matthew.