Questions I Can't Answer

Blah. Why do I care if I get passed over for a chance to be a permanent employee here at the Rainbow District School Board? This is not a fulfilling job at all so far. I enjoy a solving problems, but having only one project to work on makes it quite repetitive. Would I be happier as a technician - getting my hands dirty in peoples' computers and walking them through solutions over the phone? Or do I need a complete career change?

There's always my music vying for my attention at the back of my mind. When I flunked out of Aerospace Engineering in Ottawa I seriously considered taking music-vocals and then going to a Bible college to become a worship/youth pastor. I can't remember all the people over the years that have told me that I'd make a great teacher/pastor/worship leader. So is that supposed to be a hint? I just don't know.

Why did I choose computer science instead of music? At the time it just kinda made sense. I've always enjoyed working with computers and it's definitely a field where I can make some decent money to pay off my school debt. I couldn't afford to stay in Ottawa and CompSci was the only program that felt worth taking back home. But all through classes I was never happy. During my summer jobs here at the Board computers were a means to an end and now it still feels the same. The thing is there are some ends coming up just over the horizon for me. This year is almost over - I'm almost 26. My debt is almost paid off. My current contract is slowly running out.

So is this a time for me to take action and make some changes or do I continue to wait for something to happen - some kind of sign indicating what God has in store for me? It's like I'm waiting for Him to put up some billboards for me to follow: "Move here", "Work there", "Marry her". And man does it ever seem stupid that I'm waiting for those billboards to show up. It's pretty rare He makes things that obvious to us, but I'm scared to make a choice. I don't want to fail again. I'm scared to move out because I don't want to end up having to move back in with my parents if something goes wrong. I'm scared to change jobs because it means new people, new procedures, an unknown salary. And I'm scared to get into a relationship because I want the next one to be the one I marry. If she isn't then it's going to mean more pain and heartache.

So yeah... there's going to be some shuffling in my department here before this year is up and I'm wondering what will happen to me in all of it. A permanent job would be great but do I want to stay here? *sigh*

Stay tuned for the continuing saga...

Matthew.