Clemster's Playground

Friday, September 10, 2004

Meanings Behind Dreams?

I've been having some weird dreams off and on over the last month or so, but they usually involve one of two things, the church camp I went to as a kid, Camp Norland, or my ex-girlfriend Jenita.

Camp Norland, in my opinion of course, is the best dang Bible camp in the world. There's no where else where God is more tangible to me, but out there in the woods with His creative touch visible everywhere. With the summer ending I've been hearing stories about the adventures that happened there. I've seen the difference camp made in one guy's walk with Him. Toby popped the question to Alysha at Norland and they plan on getting married there. I miss the place a lot, but it's hard to get there for more than a day at a time. Oh and the pic in my profile was taken there while on an IVCF retreat.

My dreams about Norland usually involve me getting there. I'm usually driving or even walking late at night along the dirt road. As in dream fashion, once I get there my dream Norland is nothing like the real one but there's still no doubt about it being Norland. Last night I remember dreaming about arriving ahead of the others that were coming and picking a cabin where no one else was staying. I remember a group playing a baseball like game but I was still dressed from work so I went to my cabin, which some kids had started occupying, and got changed. For some reason it took me too long to change and by the time I got back to the field the game was over and the large part of the crowd was gone. I remember feeling very disappointed that I missed the game and trying to find someone to console me. There were also people from work at Norland for some reason.

I'm not sure how much I've commented about my relationship with Jenita but she and I started courting on November 11, 2001. We hadn't known each other for very long, she came from Saskatchewan that September to take Forensic Science here, but it became apparent to us that if we wanted to advance our relationship any further we had to get serious and put down some guidelines. My friends Dana and Andy agreed to be our accountability partners for our relationship. We made up some pretty strict rules about the types and amount of physical contact that was allowed because as a guy I knew where my weaknesses are. She quickly became thankful for the rules as well. One of the rules was not to kiss until we got married, not even a peck on the cheek. Everything seemed just peachy until she went back home for the summer. That time part was tough on both of us and things were never the same. I started drawing away from her and I didn't completely know why. But I knew I couldn't end the relationship because I knew she wasn't at that point yet. So in December 2003, just before exams, she ended it. It rocked us both and it was really difficult because all my friends were now her friends, we went to the same school, church and IVCF group. In a way it was hard to heal because she was always there. She left again that summer, finally allowing us some time apart. She went to teacher's college the fall of 2003 in North Bay which is about an hour from here. In October she found her new b/f but I didn't find out until just before a weekend IVCF retreat at Norland in January. They were planning on telling me at the retreat which would have been brutal because I wouldn't have been able to get away from them or anyone else while there. Anyways, I was hurt that they didn't tell me and that they tried to hide it from me by telling other people not to tell me. Needless to say I didn't go on the retreat that weekend. But I quickly got a peace about it because it was the closure on the relationship I needed since I was never sure if she had moved on or not.

Anyways, wow, that barely begins to scratch the surface of the year Jenita and I were together. The dreams. I keep dreaming that Jenita shows up at some party that I've organized. In the dreams I'm definitely not expecting her to come, i.e. she probably wasn't invited, but I have this sinking feeling that she will come. I don't remember much else about how things are with her there other than feelings of awkwardness and those uncomfortable moments of silence that happen when I've seen her in real life since. I know where the Jenita dreams come from. As the summer closed I began to get this nagging fear that she'd show up in my life again. That the teal-ish Cavalier driving past me on the road is hers. That she got a job here in Sudbury as a teacher with my school board and I'll have to make her an email account or something. I don't know where she is, what she's doing with her life, or even whether she and Pete are still together so she could pop up anywhere. That kinda bothers me. I'm not sure why I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid she'll see how miserable I am being single again... how in a lot of ways I haven't moved on. She knows my deepest darkest secrets. She knows how bad my depression can get. She knows how much I long to be married and have kids, so she knows what being single means to me.

Sigh... dreams are strange but you always wonder if there is truth behind them. Is God sending me a message? Am I in for seven years of famine or seven years of plenty?

Matthew.

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