Depression

Well today is one of those blah days. I had a bad time sleeping last night. Ended up waking up at 3:30am and never really fell back to sleep. My right shoulder and hip are sore from sleeping in an awkward position the other night. It's really dark and gloomy out right now. I was worried it was going to start pouring as I was walking at lunch. And my mood matches the weather.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with depression on almost a daily basis. I've been on anti-depressants for several years now. It's always bothered me that I had to rely on a pill in order to function in school and at work. But the truth is I wouldn't have been able to finish my degree without them. I hoped I could try and get off them once I was out of school and working but the depression got worse instead of better once all the worries of the real world and growing up reared their ugly heads. Will I ever be free of this?

Here's something I wrote a few years ago that expresses best how I feel when I'm like this. I call it my rant and I wrote it in 2000.

Matthew.
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Where are You, Heavenly Father?
Why can't I find You on my own?
You promised You'd never leave me
And that You'd always be by my side.

Were You lying to me, Jesus?
Why does this yoke dig into my shoulders?
You promised I'd be set free
And that this burden would be bearable.

Where is my comfort, Holy Spirit?
Why do I lose sleep thinking of my day's failures?
You promised to hold me in Your arms
And that I'd never need anyone else.

It's me who's moved, I guess, and not You
My eyes and ears are so caked with my sins
That it's hard to see the evidence of You
I came so far, but now I've lost so much
What happened to the faith I had?

You say I am Your child.
Why? What have I done to deserve this?
You love me so completely it blows my mind.
If I were You, I'd have given up on me a long time ago.

Oh God!.......

Cleanse me. Wash me. Fill me. Change me.
Constantly remind me of who You Are.

You, Father, are my Rock.
You, Jesus, are my Deliverer.
You, Spirit, are my Comforter.

Give me the patience to wait on You,
Strength for my walk along Your path,
Bread crumbs to find my way back to You.

Give me the strength to stand against Satan,
Perseverance to endure all he throws at me,
Balm for the times he knocks me down.

Give me love to spread to all I meet,
Courage to mention what You mean to me,
Humbleness to know I can do nothing without You.